On Oct. 13, David took me to @ Gettys concert at First Baptist Atlanta. Kristyn Getty, the lead singer was VERY pregnant. And she wore a shiny sequin top that really showed off her belly.
I started fixating on it and became more and more distressed, because a few years earlier when we first became Christians, David and I didn't yet understand that children are a heritage from the Lord and He should decide how many we have, so we decided (surgically) not to have any more kids without consulting Him at all. I have always regretted that decision even though I know God has forgiven me.
But that night at the concert, as I stared at that glittering pregnant belly, God spoke to me and said that He allowed this to happen. He is using me to bring new life to a child in a different way than I planned. It won't be a baby that I hold in my arms but it is a wonderful life, and it is precious to God and to me. In that moment I saw His hand on my life to orchestrate the events leading up to the surgery, and how He redeemed a bad decision we made for something good, something life giving, that would bring glory to Him. I could finally let go of my regret, having closure on that chapter of my life, and rest securely in His arms.
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I recently went on my first women's retreat with my church just before the kidney surgery. I had no idea what to expect but felt welcomed and loved as soon as I arrived. The theme of the retreat was to look at the "dress" we put onto ourselves to try to project some sort of image to others instead of being clothed in Christ's righteousness and salvation. We explored with God what dress we had been wearing, and asked God to help us take it off and put His beautiful robe on instead.
Our pastors put together a wonderful devotional booklet that led us through this journey with God. The pivotal part of the exercise for me was looking through a list of "dresses" that I could be putting on, and asking God to reveal which was mine. Some of the choices were "the witty one", "the smart one", "the competent one", "the independent one", "the 'I don't care about physical beauty' one", and "the geeky one".
I chose "the good one" because as long as I can remember I have tried to do the right thing to please people (and later God.).
We then had to identify when we started wearing this dress, what triggered it... and I realized it started when I was growing up, watching those I love pick favorites, and deciding to be "good" so they would choose me.
God showed me that my desire to please people and "be good" was hurting others and was exchanging satisfaction in His perfection for trying to prove myself. At this point of the journey I was angry. I felt like I had heard all this before and was powerless to change it.
The next day as part of our devotional time, we were to imagine ourselves naked before God, free of the dress which hid us from Him. As I contemplated this a rush of thoughts came to me. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid God chooses favorites and He won't choose me. I don't believe deep down He has enough love for everyone, so I want to make sure I am at the front of the line, I saw God as those people who hurt me growing up who chose favorites. That revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I started weeping uncontrollably. I had no idea that was down there. But it felt good to get it out in the open and share it with the women at the retreat.
God began to pour truth into me. He is good. He is for me. He is abounding in steadfast love. He has enough for me and everyone else. I am not in competition with everyone else for Him. His love for others does not diminish His love for me.
I wish I could say that after understanding this I "get it". That because I understand God's limitless love I can rest in it always and stop the comparison game. It will be a lifelong struggle. Yesterday I was mad because someone sent me flowers, because I thought the money could help the boy I was donating the kidney for. God gently reminded me that He was big enough to give me flowers and meet Ephraim's needs too, and I need to let Him love me. I am so grateful that my old dress has a name now, instead of good, it's better, I was trying to be "better" than others to gain God's favor. Exposing it and bringing it into the light, God gives me power to see when I am going down that wrong path again and to take off that old dress and come back to Him, to what is true, and put on His robes of righteousness and salvation. My new dress is not "better", it is "held in the arms of Christ".
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We do this thing at our small group at church called Statement of The Heart. It's a weekly summary of what is really taking up the bulk of our thoughts, where our focus is... and doing a little digging to see what lies beneath the surface so we can walk with one another through our triumphs, hurts, trials, and point each other to Christ. This week for the first time I let my wall down and really started allowing the reality of the transplant to sink in. This is what I shared with my group, and they lovingly encouraged me to share it with others...
What is on my mind...I am about to have a body part removed. I think the reality is finally beginning to set in. I have been holding this at arms length for a while now not letting it get too close and disrupt my "real life". But yesterday my preop packet came in the mail. After staying up too late it is NOT the thing to read before going to bed. Pretty stupid. Especially not the release form page.
Thoughts: This is going to hurt. The stuff on the release form is remotely possible. I don't want people coming over. They will see my mess (my heart mess, my house mess, you name it whatever).
Feelings: I was.. Anxious. I am scared of the pain. And of getting addicted to painkillers. Afraid of letting people help me. Afraid of getting sick before the surgery. Afraid of overburdening David. Afraid of what this is doing to Erica and Logan. Afraid every night leading up to the surgery was going to be filled with anxiety and I would not be able to sleep. Afraid of returning to my insomnia period right before I came to Christ where I was having panic attacks. So I began to have a conversation with God about it. It was 1 in the morning. What else could I do? I wasn't going to sleep. David was upstairs sick and I didn't want to bother him. I told God I was scared. No more like I started sobbing uncontrollably that I was scared with my face down on the floor. Then He asked me what was the worst that could happen. I said I guess I could die. Then He reminded me death is gain. Then I said, well yeah, I think I am more afraid of the pain of recovery than actually dying. And I started feeling anxious even more and I cried out to Jesus to help me. It didn't help. Fear gripped me. It was getting worse if anything. Then a thought occurred to me (I am sure it wasn't mine). What if God doesn't want me to just cry out to Him in my fear. Instead what if He wants me to thank Him in the fear? So I began whispering Thank You Jesus. At first I didn't mean it. But then my fear began to dissolve as His presence flooded my heart. I went upstairs, started listening to something on my phone and fell asleep. I am not going to go down the same path as before. I am not going to be consumed by fear. Jesus has a better plan for me. To be consumed by Him.
I am thankful that Jesus is leading me through this.
Psalm 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.
Deep Desires: I want to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and remember He is the one who called me to do this, not primarily because I love Ephraim and want to help him but because I get more of Jesus as my reward.. I want others to see His worth and be drawn to Him.
Choices: I choose to thank God when I start to feel anxious thoughts creeping into my mind. I choose to trust Him with all the details. I choose to let others in, to help and support me in this process even though it's scary to let down the walls, to be vulnerable, and to depend on others.
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It is almost surreal to me that in a little over two weeks I will be in the hospital, under a surgeon's knife, a part of me being torn away to give life to another. On October 24th, Lord willing, I will be donating a kidney to my sweet friend Ephraim (please see his story here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nx5WSs6LEUY ). I wanted to share how God called me to do this, and my underlying motivation, hoping that you all would see the great reward I am receiving for this small sacrifice and you would be inspired to your own acts of selfishness as well.
Here is an excerpt from a message I sent Rebecca, Ephraim's mom, to explain why I am giving her son my kidney: I think my heart first started really being drawn to Ephraim the night we were making bracelets at a women's meeting, and they showed us the youtube video you did. I kept thinking, I wish there was something more concrete I could do to help. Then, providentially I started helping in the preschool class and I fell in love with Ephraim. At first I think I was feeling compassion for him because of his condition but then I just became drawn to his heart, and wanted to spend time with him. I love the other children in the class too but I just really felt drawn to him. When I found out Seth wasn't a match my heart sank for you both and I wondered if I could possibly be a match. But I also heard there were other donors potentially so I talked to David and we decided to wait and see what happened with them first. Everyone else was eliminated so it was time for more prayer and waiting on God.
One morning I felt like He said to me, I gave you my Son, so you can give Ephraim your kidney. Your days were written down in my book even before one came to pass. I made man out of dust. I am able to sustain your life with one kidney. Do not fear. No greater love has a man than this than he lay down his life for his friends. At that moment I knew God had me in mind for this.
One might wonder my motivation for this... is it because I love Ephraim and want healing for him? Yes. Is it because it is the right thing to do? Yes. But these are not the primary reasons.
It is because I am selfish. If I give up my kidney, I get more of Christ. He is worth it. I want to tell as many people as possible that. It's not because I am some great generous or holy person. One day in my house as a fly on the wall will tell you that (or just ask David!). It is because God has ordained that I need this to make me more like Christ and so that others around me will know Christ is worth it. He has appointed this work for me before the foundation of the Earth that I walk in it. I am safer in the center of His will than anywhere else.
So am I scared?... kind of but not really. I am sure as the date approaches I might have a different answer. I tend not to worry about things until they get closer. But more than being scared I look forward to the opportunity to lean on Christ in this and feel his love in a way that I have never experienced before.
I sent this note about a week ago. Two days later I did experience a bout of intense fear which I will post about later...
So my challenge to you is this... what do you have in your life that is worth risking it all? That will last forever? That will be there when everything else fails or is taken away? Christ is it. He is my life. I have nothing apart from Him. I have prayed over and over again for God to do things in my life that would show the worth of Christ, that my life would make no sense were the gospel not true. I am not a great person. I am a weak person full of flaws that is madly in love with her Savior and just starting to scratch the surface of how high, deep, and wide His love is for me. And the good news is that His love is there for you too, if you are willing to seek it out.
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Perspective is everything. I am coming to realize that, now I just need grace to live it.
I am starting to realize that every moment is a gift from God. Not just the ones I like. Not just the easy ones. But all of them. The ones with conflict. The ones with strife. Messiness. Uncertainty. Hurt. Loneliness.
I keep praying for God to take away every idol. To make me like His Son. To purify my heart. And these painful moments must come in order to accomplish that goal. This morning I believe He said to me, what if I looked at every moment based on what
He is doing
for me, instead of what is being done
to me? You see, I have a problem... I carry with me a huge scorecard. I like to keep track of whether or not what I am getting is fair. Am I being respected? Understood? Valued? If not, I don't feel like loving you. I might do something external, something "Christian" because I know I am supposed to. But inwardly, my flesh screams at the injustice, at the indignation, at the offense of what is being done to me.
I was contemplating the act of Jesus washing the disciples' feet in light of this... did you ever stop to think what it would be like for Jesus to do this for all the disciples, knowing that each one would betray them in their own way, and that one would never to return to Him? Imagine stooping beneath the man who would sell you for silver, the man who would deny you 3 times, the man who would refuse to believe you rose from the dead until he touched you? Those who could not even watch and pray, but fell asleep on the night before your greatest agony? Those who would scatter in every direction as soon as their own lives were at stake?
Could I humiliate myself like this knowing I would never receive anything from a Judas in return except betrayal? How often do I decide how to treat someone based on believing I deserve something in return? It hit me hard that I do not have it in me to love others this way. It's just not who I am. I am a self-preserver. I want my needs to be met. There's a difference between knowing this intellectually and having the depth of your depravity really pierce your heart and that's where I am this week. Broken my my inability to love others the way Christ loves me.
But thanks be to God through Jesus Christ there is an answer to this. If I listen to what the Lord told me, and ask Him to help me look at each moment as a revelation of His Son, of a gift of His presence to me if I trust in Him, I can be satisfied in Him instead of worrying about what will happen if I love without any response or reward from other people. My reward is Christ. And that is enough. I need His help to remember this every minute, hoping in the day that this will no longer be a struggle, because my heart will finally be permanently set free from the inward focus I keep gravitating toward, and my gaze will be unwaveringly affixed on the One who saved me.
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As I was reading my bible this morning, a verse caught my attention from Romans 5. "Through Him (Jesus) we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God - Romans 5:2 ESV.
I started pondering this and what it meant for Christmas. What would my Christmas day be like? What was I placing my hope in? What did I NEED to be happy? That our drive to our in-laws would go smoothly? That we wouldn't get stuck in the snow? That I would really get the perfect presents for everyone, things that they really wanted, so they would like me more? That someone would put some thought into my presents, to show they really care? That we wouldn't have any awkward dysfunctional family moments? That I would enjoy the feast that awaited me? That I wouldn't go overboard on eating so I could compare myself to everyone else and feel superior because I am being healthier? That I wouldn't say or do anything to make my parents upset when I go to see them later in the week? That my kids behave perfectly? That somehow everyone we come into contact with will fall on their faces and give their lives to Jesus? (OK that last one would be really cool).
This verse from Romans has a better answer.. I should not be placing my hope in my circumstances, in my old idea of a "good Christmas". God says that in whatever situation I am, I should be content. The secret of this is contentment comes through Christ who strengthens me. Why? Because I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not in what is happening around me. I walk by faith, not by sight. This light, momentary affliction is producing an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. Jesus invites me to abide in Him now, to enjoy being in His presence now, no matter what is happening around me, and He promises that someday I will be with Him and see His glory. I will see in full what I now only see in part. And Christmas is a reminder not just of what He did by coming to Earth as a baby, living a perfect life, and suffering and dying for my sins. It is a reminder that He did not stay dead, He rose from the grave and offers me eternal life. He is coming again and when He comes to judge the Earth I will be found not guilty because He has taken my punishment already. So I will receive His rich inheritance and be welcomed into His kingdom. Now that is a reason to celebrate! Even if the presents are rejected, the family sulks, the kids try to kill each other, and we have to stop 20 times on the way to North Carolina, we can be thankful, we can sing, we can praise God, because He keeps His promises and nothing can thwart His plans.
That is why my favorite Christmas carol is Joy to the World. It reminds us that the story isn't finished yet. He is coming back and we wait patiently, rejoicing in the hope of the glory of God. I pray that as we all draw near to Christmas day, we remember that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good day!
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This morning marks the beginning of my 39th year on Earth. As I reflect on this, it occurs to me that I could be upset or depressed by reaching an "almost" milestone like this one. I am "almost" 40. Depending on my lifespan which God only knows, I may have more years ahead of me than behind me, or I may be on the downward slope of my life's bell curve. This could be a cause for sadness, depression, or fear. Is my life meaningful? Do I have any purpose? Has it all been a waste? What is death? What will happen afterwards?
Not having answers to these questions used to torment me constantly. As a teenager I had panic attacks whenever I considered my own mortality. I remember having the distinct thought that some day when I got older I would be afraid to go to sleep because I might not wake up. I would shake with fear, my heart racing in my chest, sweat covering me. The only way to calm down was to tell myself that it was a long way off and I couldn't worry about it now or the fear would consume me.
At age 33, Jesus Christ chose to reveal Himself to me, and showed me the answers to all my questions. My life has meaning, because He made me on purpose for Himself. To love Him and be loved by Him. My life has significance because He made me different from everyone else as a reflection of His glory. And He has prepared specific things for me to do on this Earth, that reflect His glory and point others to Him, that He has prepared me to do. He has even given me peace that the 33 years I did not know Him were not a waste. He has redeemed them and turned them into something good. Because of my struggles with food addiction and bulimia I am able to help others who struggle with addiction. Because of the difficulties I experienced in my family and marital relationships I am able to sympathize with those who are hurting in their relationships. Because I had such a fear of death I am able to cling more dearly to the eternal life that Jesus offers in Him and I am more passionate about proclaiming it to others.
So on this 39th birthday rather than being depressed or anxious, I choose to celebrate the One who gave me life, who gave me these 39 years, and who has given me new life in Him, Jesus Christ. He has taken someone who outwardly appeared "good" but is full of selfishness, pride, and deception and made me His own. I am being changed day by day into His likeness, and one day I will go home to be with Him forever. So each birthday is something to rejoice in, because I am one day closer to seeing His glorious face.
May all who read this find reason to celebrate each day as a gift from our Maker and to find the hope of being with Him forever. If you find yourself pondering questions of purpose, significance, death, and eternity, don't push them away. Keep seeking answers, until you find them. You may doubt the existence of God. I did. You may not believe that Jesus is the way. I thought all religions were a path to God. But the stories of people like me who are continually being transformed by His grace are a testimony that God the Father did send His Son into the world that whoever should believe on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
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