I saw the light

Perspective is everything.  I am coming to realize that, now I just need grace to live it.

I am starting to realize that every moment is a gift from God.  Not just the ones I like. Not just the easy ones.  But all of them.  The ones with conflict.  The ones with strife.  Messiness.  Uncertainty.  Hurt.  Loneliness.

I keep praying for God to take away every idol.  To make me like His Son.    To purify my heart.  And these painful moments must come in order to accomplish that goal.  This morning I believe He said to me, what if I looked at every moment based on what He is doing for me, instead of what is being done to me?   You see, I have a problem... I carry with me a huge scorecard.  I like to keep track of whether or not what I am getting is fair.  Am I being respected?  Understood?  Valued?  If not, I don't feel like loving you.  I might do something external, something "Christian" because I know I am supposed to.  But inwardly, my flesh screams  at the injustice, at the indignation, at the offense of what is being done to me.

I was contemplating the act of Jesus washing the disciples' feet in light of this... did you ever stop to think what it would be like for Jesus to do this for all the disciples, knowing that each one would betray them in their own way, and that one would never to return to Him?  Imagine stooping beneath the man who would sell you for silver, the man who would deny you 3 times, the man who would refuse to believe you rose from the dead until he touched you?  Those who could not even watch and pray, but fell asleep on the night before your greatest agony?  Those who would scatter in every direction as soon as their own lives were at stake?

Could I humiliate myself like this knowing I would never receive anything from a Judas in return except betrayal?  How often do I decide how to treat someone based on believing I deserve something in return?  It hit me hard that I do not have it in me to love others this way.  It's just not who I am.  I am a self-preserver.  I want my needs to be met. There's a difference between knowing this intellectually and having the depth of your depravity really pierce your heart and that's where I am this week.  Broken my my inability to love others the way Christ loves me.

But thanks be to God through Jesus Christ there is an answer to this.  If I listen to what the Lord told me, and ask Him to help me look at each moment as a revelation of His Son, of a gift of His presence to me if I trust in Him, I can be satisfied in Him instead of worrying about what will happen if I love without any response or reward from other people.  My reward is Christ.  And that is enough.  I need His help to remember this every minute, hoping in the day that this will no longer be a struggle, because my heart will finally be permanently set free from the inward focus I keep gravitating toward, and  my gaze will be unwaveringly affixed on the One who saved me.