What is on my mind...I am about to have a body part removed. I think the reality is finally beginning to set in. I have been holding this at arms length for a while now not letting it get too close and disrupt my "real life". But yesterday my preop packet came in the mail. After staying up too late it is NOT the thing to read before going to bed. Pretty stupid. Especially not the release form page.
Thoughts: This is going to hurt. The stuff on the release form is remotely possible. I don't want people coming over. They will see my mess (my heart mess, my house mess, you name it whatever).
Feelings: I was.. Anxious. I am scared of the pain. And of getting addicted to painkillers. Afraid of letting people help me. Afraid of getting sick before the surgery. Afraid of overburdening David. Afraid of what this is doing to Erica and Logan. Afraid every night leading up to the surgery was going to be filled with anxiety and I would not be able to sleep. Afraid of returning to my insomnia period right before I came to Christ where I was having panic attacks. So I began to have a conversation with God about it. It was 1 in the morning. What else could I do? I wasn't going to sleep. David was upstairs sick and I didn't want to bother him. I told God I was scared. No more like I started sobbing uncontrollably that I was scared with my face down on the floor. Then He asked me what was the worst that could happen. I said I guess I could die. Then He reminded me death is gain. Then I said, well yeah, I think I am more afraid of the pain of recovery than actually dying. And I started feeling anxious even more and I cried out to Jesus to help me. It didn't help. Fear gripped me. It was getting worse if anything. Then a thought occurred to me (I am sure it wasn't mine). What if God doesn't want me to just cry out to Him in my fear. Instead what if He wants me to thank Him in the fear? So I began whispering Thank You Jesus. At first I didn't mean it. But then my fear began to dissolve as His presence flooded my heart. I went upstairs, started listening to something on my phone and fell asleep. I am not going to go down the same path as before. I am not going to be consumed by fear. Jesus has a better plan for me. To be consumed by Him.
I am thankful that Jesus is leading me through this.
Psalm 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.
Deep Desires: I want to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and remember He is the one who called me to do this, not primarily because I love Ephraim and want to help him but because I get more of Jesus as my reward.. I want others to see His worth and be drawn to Him.
Choices: I choose to thank God when I start to feel anxious thoughts creeping into my mind. I choose to trust Him with all the details. I choose to let others in, to help and support me in this process even though it's scary to let down the walls, to be vulnerable, and to depend on others.
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