I saw the light

I recently went on my first women's retreat with my church just before the kidney surgery.  I had no idea what to expect but felt welcomed and loved as soon as I arrived.  The theme of the retreat was to look at the "dress" we put onto ourselves to try to project some sort of image to others instead of being clothed in Christ's righteousness and salvation. We explored with God what dress we had been wearing, and asked God to help us take it off and put His beautiful robe on instead.

Our pastors put together a wonderful devotional booklet that led us through this journey with God.  The pivotal part of the exercise for me was looking through a list of "dresses" that I could be putting on, and asking God to reveal which was mine.  Some of the choices were "the witty one", "the smart one", "the competent one", "the independent one", "the 'I don't care about physical beauty' one", and "the geeky one".
I chose "the good one" because as long as I can remember I have tried to do the right thing to please people (and later God.).

We then had to identify when we started wearing this dress, what triggered it... and I realized it started when I was growing up, watching those I love pick favorites, and deciding to be "good" so they would choose me.

God showed me that my desire to please people and "be good" was hurting others and was exchanging satisfaction in His perfection for trying to prove myself.  At this point of the journey I was angry.  I felt like I had heard all this before and was powerless to change it.

The next day as part of our devotional time, we were to imagine ourselves naked before God, free of the dress which hid us from Him.  As I contemplated this a rush of thoughts came to me.  I am afraid of rejection.  I am afraid God chooses favorites and He won't choose me.  I don't believe deep down He has enough love for everyone, so I want to make sure I am at the front of the line,  I saw God as those people who hurt me growing up who chose favorites.  That revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started weeping uncontrollably.  I had no idea that was down there.  But it felt good to get it out in the open and share it with the women at the retreat.

God began to pour truth into me.  He is good.  He is for me.  He is abounding in steadfast love.  He has enough for me and everyone else.  I am not in competition with everyone else for Him.  His love for others does not diminish His love for me.

I wish I could say that after understanding this I "get it".  That because I understand God's limitless love I can rest in it always and stop the comparison game.  It will be a lifelong struggle.  Yesterday I was mad because someone sent me flowers, because I thought the money could help the boy I was donating the kidney for.  God gently reminded me that He was big enough to give me flowers and meet Ephraim's needs too, and I need to let Him love me.  I am so grateful that my old dress has a name now, instead of good, it's better, I was trying to be "better" than others to gain God's favor.  Exposing it and bringing it into the light, God gives me power to see when I am going down that wrong path again and to take off that old dress and come back to Him, to what is true, and put on His robes of righteousness and salvation.  My new dress is not "better", it is "held in the arms of Christ".